No Booty Calls Dante!
by wolfprincess45
Summary: Dante is bored so he calls Nero to have some fun. Will Nero come or will he refuse Dante's offer? A bunch of random crack fics.
1. Nero: No Booty Calls!

**This is mostly a collection of crack fics. I'm not sure how long it will be yet maybe up to 5 chapters. I know that this first chapter can almost seem like a story but for right now it's a crack fic unless i decide to make it a story. I'll think of some more crack fics to do if i get inspired enough by fanmade video's on youtube. I do not own Devil May Cry or the characters. Inspired by the video _'No Booty Calls Dante!'_ and by Kelly (of course).**

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Nero- No Booty Calls!

Nero was in his room back in Fortana. Nero opened his closet and took out his clothes and packed them in a suitcase. It's been almost a year since the Savior incident.. All of the others in town have constantly sending him glares filled with hatred whenever he stepped outside. Kyrie hated him since he told her that her brother was killed. It hardly mattered to him how the others felt about him. Nero didn't care about all the others anymore.

"They can all get killed by demons for all I care... " said Nero as his Bringer glowed faintly. "I'm not even sure why I stayed this long."

He picked up Blue Rose and put it in it's holster. Then picked up Red Queen and placed it on his back. Nero stopped and looked around at his apartment before he picked up his one suitcase and walked out. As he walked out some of the other residents came out of their rooms. They all knew he was leaving and gave him a few glares as he walked by.

It wasn't any different once he got outside. People came out to watch him leave. All giving him glares as he walked by. Nero ignored them all As he headed towards the ferry.

"Nero."

Nero turned around to see Kyrie standing there with a few dozen others behind her.

"What do you want Kyrie?" Nero said as his Bringer glowed a bit brighter. Some of the others backed up at the sight of this but they still stood their ground.

"Don't ever come back here Nero. Your not welcome here anymore." Said Kyrie. Nero smirked and laughed as the others continued to glare at him.

"Why would I want to come back to this dump? You can all fuck off for all I care. Especially you Kyrie. The only reason people like you is because you fucked His Holiness." I smirked as Kyrie's face dropped and the others all gasped.

I turned around and continued walking towards the ferry as the townsfolk started yelling at Kyrie. I snuck onto the ferry then quickly found a spot to sit. I pulled out my ipod and started listening to it. until I got to my new home.

~A few hours later~

Nero found a small apartment a few miles away from the Devil May Cry office. Since he hasn't been able to get a certain silver haired half demon out of his head he decided to move closer to him. A few months after all the destruction, Dante came back and offered Nero a place to stay at Devil May Cry. Nero decided to live by himself before he decided to live with Dante.

~ A few months later~

Dante was in his usual spot at his desk. His feet were propped up and he had a box of pizza on his desk. Lady and Trish left to go home earlier that day. Since they stopped living at Devil May Cry things have been pretty quite. Nero still wont move in with Dante yet. They only dated for about 3 months before Dante dumped him. Dante still cant remember why he dumped him. Oh well must have been drunk.

Business was running pretty slow the past few weeks. So naturally Dante was extremely and utterly bored. Dante closed his eyes and tried to sleep. The first thing that came to his mind was Nero. He missed having him around. All the constant flirting and lovemaking they did made him frustrated from the lack of contact over the months. The phone rang interrupting Dante from his thoughts. Dante leaned forward and picked up the phone.

"Sorry but were closed. Call back some other time."

"I know your closed but this is important." said Trish from the other line.

"What do you want Trish?" I said as I reached for another slice.

"Lady and I are going on vacation for a while. Don't forget if you get any missions to pay us!" the line went dead before Dante could say anything.

"Ok then. There goes my entertainment for a while." Dante noticed he was almost out of pizza and ordered another. After he hung up the phone he picked up a magazine and leaned back in his chair again. He started reading the first few pages but he couldn't concentrate. All he could think about was Nero.

He remembered the way Nero used to blush whenever Dante kissed him. The sounds and noises he would make whenever Dante fucked him. After a few more minutes of daydreaming his pizza arrived. Dante looked at the clock as it read 9:30 pm. He needed to get Nero back here.

Dante opened a drawer in his desk and took out his laptop. He pulled up his pick up line list.

"Tried that…. didn't work….. didn't work… didn't work…. didn't work….."

Dante spent the next few hours looking one by one at all his pick up lines. Some of them worked on Nero but others failed. Dante looked at the time again. It was 12:30 am and he has gotten nowhere. He ran a hand through his hair and thought hard. That's when a thought came to mind. He just remembered about a video that Lady had told him about. He only watched it once but there was a chance it could work. Dante smirked as he pulled up Youtube and began his search for the video.

~10 minutes later~

Nero's phone started to ring. Nero ignored it the first three times. The fourth time he got up to answer it. Nero was too tired so he didn't bother checking the caller Id.

"Hello?"

"It's your ex." said Dante form the other line. Nero turned to look at the clock. It was 1 am. _'Why would he call me at 1 am?'_

"It's one in the morning. What the hell do you want?"

"Baby I'm horny." Nero's eyes widened at this. He blushed grateful that Dante couldn't see him right now.

"So what are you saying? You want to get together?"

"I want you to come over all dressed up in leather like you used to do."

Nero blushed at Dante's words.. Nero got up and made his way to the closet. He moved some clothes around until he found the outfit Dante was talking about. It was a small dark blue bikini bra with red straps attached that can drape around his waist. It came with dark blue shorts and a leather thong. Nero's Bringer glowed brighter as he felt the straps with his fingers.

"T-that's not happening again. That was back then… besides I'm interested in bigger and better men." Nero lied. He hasn't met anyone since Dante dumped him. But he wasn't about to let Dante know that. "No booty calls, old man." With that they began their little phone battle of the pick up lines. (1)

"Aw come on kid you know I still got it going on.(2)" said Dante

"Wow with clichés like that I'm really torn. Your game is played go back to your porn."

"Start me up you make a dead man cum."

"Then you can just drop dead because your not getting some."

"What happened to the freak that used to rock my world?"

"Well the freak's still here but I'm not your guy. You broke up with me."

"I made a mistake."

"Then why don't you just ask me out on a date?"

Dante scratched his head. He checked the time… it was 1:20 am.

"Umm… tonight's a date."

"Please… no booty calls old man."

~10 minutes later(3)~

"Remember when we hit it off in the parking lot?"

"Outside of IHOP?"

"Yeah. That was so hot."

"Thank you I'm flattered but it doesn't matter. I remember that you threw up in the pancake batter. You got a problem, your drunk all the time. Are you even sure that this phone number's mine?"

"Uh, yeah I… wait what?"

"If that confused you, I'm going to have to lose you. Go back to first grade and get yourself a Blue's Clue. I don't even know what ever made me chose you."

"Cause were good together."

"But I can do better."

"No one makes you feel better.(4)"

"Buddy your like cheddar…. Cheesy. "

~a few insults later~

"You know Lady and Trish moved out and I got my own crib. (5)"

"That's funny that's just where you belong in a crib."

"You saying I'm your baby?"

"I'm saying _a_ baby."

"I'm not hearing yes or no, I'm hearing maybe."

"Well get your hearing checked cause you cant play me."

"Hey hate the game, don't hate me."

"That's not how that phrase goes."

"I know but you just turn me on kid, from my head to my toes."

"Jesus Criest can you at least be original? If game was true then your would be fictional."

"Kid I got style and I got class."

"I got a brand new boot for your ass. No booty calls!"

"Aw come on kid-"

"No! No booty calls! That's not happening!"

"Hey kid I just don't talk the talk, I walk the walk, and I know you like my talk."

"Hey old man, don't discombobulate (6) me. If you want some of this you have to properly date me."

"You mean wine and dine? That's a waste of time. I can spend $5 and still get mine."

"Since that's probably all you have let me give you a hint. How's this? Go stuff your pee hole with a junior mint."

"Kid all I want to do is make you sweat. Let me be the Romeo to your Juliet"

"Ok drink some poison and I'll stab myself. You'd know that story if you ever took a book off the shelf."

"I don't need no book."

"Double negative so you do."

"My dick's hard. Look-"

"That's mature and it's so rude."

"I don't understand all these big words you use. I don't need big words cause I got big shoes."

"Verbally you're a moron, sexily you're a cling on. I'm more mature now I need a mental cling on."

"Baby I got brains in my underwear. My dick = MC squared."

"You need to go back to physics class. The only brain in your pants is your head up your ass. Check that, you know you could be right cause you do cum faster then the speed of light."

"You must admit, I got a load like a stallion. I (beep beep) on you with my creamy Italian. (7)"

"Ew! What am I to you! A salad bar? You like to (beep) so much I need a dick sneeze guard."

"You want some tonight?"

"I want some never."

" That's not what you said back when we were together."

"Well that's not happening again. That was back then and now I'm interested in smarter deployed men. No booty calls."

"Aw come on kid you know I treat you right-"

" No don't interrupt me, no booty calls."

"I know you like it. come on kid, come over."

"No! this phone conversation's over."

Nero hung up on Dante and laid back down. He rolled over to check the clock. It was 2:55 am. Nero couldn't stop blushing as he thought about what Dante said. His Bringer glowed brighter the more he thought about it.

Nero's phone rang again. This time it was a text message from Dante.

_Please?_

Nero sighed as he started to put on the leather outfit that Dante liked.

_Fine…. Be there in 20 minutes_.

Nero put on his regular clothes over the outfit then went quietly left his apartment. He got on his bike and left towards Devil May Cry.

~with Dante~

Dante smirked as he read Nero's reply to his text message. He got up to check the fridge.

"Out of chocolate syrup… and Nero will be here in 20 minutes…. Plenty of time to run to the store and back." Dante left Devil May Cry to go to the store so that He and Nero could have some real fun.

**

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**1. In other words it switches between Dante and Nero talking so many times I'm not saying who says what. You can sort of guess who said what without me telling you.**

**2. I cant get the rest of that line sadly so I left it at that.**

**3. I just put those minor skips because there are a few pauses in the song so I put the skips.**

**4. In the song it's _wetter_ but I found that weird so I put better because I couldn't think of anything else.**

**5. The song says that she moves out of her mom's but I decided to put Lady and Trish instead.**

**6. It's a weird word but it is said in the song.**

**7. Idk what he said at that part so I just put beep.**

**Dante: Either way I still got him to come over.**

**Nero: I will kill you Wolf…. *takes out Run Queen***

**Wolf(Me): Hey don't get mad at me I got bored! Besides I thought it be funny!**

**Nero: You will die!**

**Wolf: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! *runs away***

**Sparda: Anyway... I get to be in the next chapter! ^_^**

**Nero: I'll barely have any lines in the next chapter...**

**Wolf: Surprise Glomp Attack! *glomps Dante***

**Dante: Sweet….**

**Nero: Don't touch my man!**

**Wolf: D: *runs away***

**Dante: Sweet…. *eats pizza and watches***

**Sparda: Anyway we get to see how much my sons love their father.**

**Dante: lol…. Well that's it folks! Don't forget to review.**

**Wolf:Mkbye!**


	2. Vergil: Let Me Borrow That Top!

**Inspired by 'Let Me Borrow That Top' by Kelly. I cant remember the youtube name however so that makes me a bit sad. I have to admit I enjoyed this chapter a bit more then the first.**

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**Vergil- Let me Borrow that top!**

Dante was sitting on the couch at Devil May Cry. His mother and father were talking to Lady and Trish. As much as he didn't want them to Sparda and Eva(1) began telling them about embarrassing things he's done as a child. Dante wished that there would be a phone call for a job soon. He needed to get away and do something. Nero took a few jobs so Dante knew he wouldn't be back for a while. Lucky kid.

Dante got up and walked over to the window. Vergil's car pulled up and into the driveway. Vergil had just gotten back from the store and his little shopping spree(2). He pulled out the new shirt he bought. Dante couldn't believe it. that shirt was just so… AWSOME!

~with Vergil~

I was walking towards the Front doors to Devil May Cry when the doors burst open to revile a very happy looking Dante. I had a very bad feeling about this.

"Let me borrow that top."

"What?"

"Let me borrow that top."

"No."

"Let me borrow that top."

"No!" Vergil yelled as he stomped past Dante. He ignored the looks on his parents faces and went upstairs to his room.

"Dante what's going on? What's wrong with Vergil?" asked Sparda as Dante started up the stairs after Vergil.

"I wanna borrow that top!" Dante yelled as he ran upstairs.

Vergil sighed as he took the shirt and placed it on his bed. As he put the rest of his clothes away there was a knock at his door. As Vergil opened the door Dante stood there looking excited.

"That's such a cute top."

"Ok…."

"That's a cute top."

"So?"

"I wanna borrow it. Let me borrow that top."

"No." Vergil slammed the door in Dante's face. Vergil finished putting his clothes away. He went to hang up the shirt that Dante liked so much in his closet. As he opened it Dante was there still excited.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"Aren't we friends?"

"How did you get in my closet!"

"Aren't we friends?"

"Don't change the subject!"

"So what's the problem?"

"Your in my closet!"

"Let me borrow the top."

"No!" Vergil took the shirt and closed the closet door. He turned to open his door and there was Dante. Again.

"Let me borrow that top."

"Stop it!" Vergil ran out and met Dante at the bottom of the steps.

"Let me borrow that top."

"No!" Vergil ran outside ignoring the looks Sparda Eva Lady and Trish gave him as he went by. Vergil ran out to his car was about to pull out when Dante landed on his car in front of the windshield.

"What the hell!"

"Let me borrow that fucking top!"

As Vergil pulled out Dante jumped off and watched him speed away. Instead of going after him he went inside and talked to Trish and Lady. Vergil stopped in the parking lot of a high school as he stepped out Dante Stepped out from behind a tree. Lady came out from behind the tree next to him.

"Don't be a bitch." said Dante.

"Don't be a bitch." Said Lady as she stood beside Dante.

"Don't be a bitch. Lend me that top"

Vergil was speechless but it didn't last long. Instead of yelling he ran away only to run into Trish and Nero.

"What are you saving it for? Your not even wearing it." said Trish

"Your not gonna wear it. Let Dante borrow it." said Nero

Vergil thought he was going crazy. He still held onto the shirt as he ran away from Trish and Nero into Dante.

"I've already been to the mall."

"That's where I got this shirt!"

"I've already been to the mall."

"No you haven't!"

"I've already been to the mall…. And it SUCKED!"

"Ok... your insane."

"I've already been to heaven."

"What!"

"I've already been to heaven."

"Your not making sense!"

"I've already been to heaven. After 5 minutes I was like lets go."

Vergil ran past Dante still clinging to the shirt. He ran inside the high school where there was a big pep rally going on. Vergl tried to sneak across the gym when Dante appeared out of nowhere behind him. Nero Lady and Trish were standing behind him.

"Give me that fucking top bitch!"

"What's wrong with you!"

"Come on Bitch!"

Vergil ran into the crowd on high school kids to get away from Dante and the others.

"Where you going?"

Vergil ignored him and kept running.

"Where you going!"

Vergil ran faster.

"Where you going!"

Vergil ran into some students while trying to get away. They fell down and the next thing Vergil knew they all started fighting.

"Give me that fucking top bitch!" yelled Dante coming closer.

"No!"

"Give me that fucking top bitch!"

Vergil kept running. Little did Dante and Vergil know, Vergil dropped the shirt near the entrance of the gym. Sparda walked in to see everyone fighting and Dante yelling at Vergil about the shirt.

"Fuck you!"

"What!"

"Fuck you fat bitch!"

"What did you call me!"

"Oh yea I said your fat!"

"No you didn't!"

"Yea I said your fat! You're a fat fucking bitch cause you wont let me borrow that fucking top!"

"That's it!" Vergil ran to tackle Dante but Dante moved to the side.

"Fuck you!"

"Bastard!"

"Fuck you!"

"Bitch"

"Fuck you with something hard and sand papery!"

"Sand papery!"

"Bitch!"

"Sand paper!"

"Bitch!"

"Your going to hurt me with sand paper!"

"Bitch!"

"Stop saying that!"

"Your not my friend!"

Dante turned to leave but turned right into his father, Sparda.

"So is this the shirt you wanted to borrow Dante?"

Sparda showed the shirt to Dante. It had a picture of Sora from Kingdom Hearts kicking a heartless off a cliff. Above Sora's head it said '_THIS IS SPARDA!_' in big red letters.

"Yea, cause it's a cute top and… I just wanted to borrow it."

"Well Dante…." Sparda looked around at everyone passed out and beaten up around the gym. "You just crammed it."

"AWWW!"

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**1. In this chapter I decided to have Sparda and Eva alive so it makes sense.**

**2. Yes this is after DMC4**

**Nero: What was the point of that?**

**Dante: For the top!**

**Vergil: It's my top… *holds top close***

**Dante: Give me that top bitch! *tackles Vergil***

**Wolf: XD**

**Sparda: I'm so proud that both my sons want a shirt with my name on it.**

**Eva: Hey I have no lines in this!**

**Lady: Your not special enough.**

**Eva: Trish looks just like me yet she's more popular?**

**Wolf: Don't take it personality.**

**Sparda: It's ok Eva your special to me.**

**Nero: Shouldn't we stop them?**

**Wolf: No this is amazing *records fighting.***

**Trish and Lady: -_-"**

**Sparda: Did they just rip each others clothes off?**

**Eva: Yep…**

**Wolf and Nero: :D *records***

**Lady: Ok I'm gone.**

**Trish: In the next chapter... what happenes?**

**Wolf: Havent thought of it yet. I need to be inspired.**

**Dante: Get inspired quick! *goes back to fighting Vergil***

**Sparda: Goodnight everybody! Dont forget to Review!**

**Eva: Yes Review because it lets Wolf know that you care. ^_^**

**Wolf:Mkbye! :3**


	3. Sparda: Muffins!

~with Eva~

Eva woke up about 8am and Sparda and the boys wouldn't be up for a few more hours. She was sitting in the kitchen looking through a cookbook to find something to make for breakfast. She had made everything here at least twice. Normally she would make whatever her boys wanted every other Thursday but it soon got boring. She needed something new.

"Hello Eva. Making breakfast?" said Lady as she and Trish walked through the doors of Devil May Cry.

"I wish. I'm all out of idea's." said Eva as she slumped on the counter.

"Well you have this cookbook open. Why don't you do something in here?"

"I've made it all. I need something else. " mumbled Eva.

"Hey are you still mad at Sparda for what he did the other night?" said Trish sitting down next to Eva.

Eva was still upset. Somehow her sons Dante and Vergil convinced their father to go to Love Planet. When Sparda came hold he was drunk and ended up telling Eva what he did that night. Eva was still upset and couldn't figure out a way to punish him.

"Hey Eva if your still mad, I know a way to teach him a lesson." said Lady.

"Really?" said Eva eagerly.

"Yes really. What we do is pick something he likes and use it to scare the crap out of him." said Lady.

"That's a great idea!" said Trish excitedly. "What does he like?"

"Oh I know what he likes…. But I'll need some help."

"I'll help!" said Trish raising her hand.

"Me too!" said Lady.

"Ok girls, the boys wont be up for another three hours. So lets get started. Lady I want you to go up to the bedroom and whisper this word in Sparda's ear. Then after a half hour you and Trish will change shifts." said Eva. She picked up a sticky note from Dante's desk and wrote a word on it.

"Ok I got it." said Lady saluting.

"Good. Now in between your shifts one of you will be helping me." said Eva.

"What are we going to do?" asked Trish

"Were going to have fun. Lots and Lots of fun. But first we need to buy a few things" Said Eva with a evil smile on her face.

~with Sparda~

I woke up to see I was alone. Judging from the smell coming from downstairs Eva was making breakfast. I walked downstairs to see Eva in the kitchen. I walked up behind her and held her close around the waist.

"Hello sweetheart." I whispered in her ear.

"Good morning. What would you like for breakfast Sparda." Asked Eva.

"Muffins!" I yelled excitedly. Oddly enough I've been dreaming about them for a while. I kept hearing the word over and over in my head.

"That's right! Because in Eva's kitchen muffins make the best breakfast! Would you like to try some new flavors dear?"

"Uhh… ok?" said Sparda a little confused. Lady and Trish stepped out from behind Eva into the kitchen.

"Raspberry."

"Cranberry."

"Apples."

"Cinnamon."

"Pecan."

"Pumpkin."

"Nut."

"Date nut."

"Lemon poppy seed muffin."

"Banana."

"Orange."

"Peach."

"Strawberry."

"Blueberry."

"Boysenberry."

"Almond."

"Choco chocolate chip."

"Carrot."

"Gooseberry."

"Pumpernickel."

"Fish."

"Paperclip."

"Ink."

"Bird."

"Shampoo."

"Star wars muffin."

"Bullfrog."

"Crickets."

"Cigarette."

"Israeli Palestinian conflict muffins."

"Bits of glass muffin. Owww."

"As best as. I'm baking muffins as best as I can!"

"Monkey."

"Allegro muffin."

"Elephant."

"Pencil."

"Newspaper."

"Fire!"

"Imaginary muffin."

"Cartoon muffin."

"Blood…."

"What muffin would you like for breakfast dear?" asked Eva sweetly. She had blood on her face from the blood muffin and was smiling. She Trish and Lady were all holding trays of muffins.

"I-I…. lost my appetite…" I said weakly still staring at the blood on Eva's face. Eva's stared back at me for a minute before she spoke again.

"You'll eat a muffin. You'll eat it and like it!" Eva yelled as she stared at me again with a evil grin on her face.

~with Nero~

I was walking down the street to see if Dante was awake. He promised me he talk me clothes shopping and I couldn't wait to spend all his money. Right as I was about to open the doors to Devil May Cry I heard a scream.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" came a scream from inside. For some strange reason I had the need to run away so I did just that.

~with Vergil~

"Dante did you hear that scream?" I asked as my younger twin came out of his room.

"Yeah I heard it. it sounded like it came from the kitchen." Dante replied.

Dante and I walked downstairs to see their father and mother in the kitchen. Lady and Trish were also there and they were holding…. Muffins? Their father was in the corner crying.

"I-I'll be a good boy…. A good boy….. a good boy…." His voice cut off as he started crying and rocking in the corner again.

"Why hello boys. Would you like a muffin?" said Eva. As she turned around she had blood on her face mostly around her mouth.

"Mom.. what's that?"

"Oh nothing nothing…."

Dante: Wow Wolf your evil.

Wolf: It wasn't me it was Eva.

Trish: But you did cause Nero to run away.

Sparda: *still crying in the corner*

Lady: Wow Eva… the plan worked perfectly!

Dante: No it didn't. Nero isn't here.

Wolf: Ok hang on. *glomps Dante*

Nero: Don't touch my man!

Wolf: Muhahahahaha! *runs away*

Vergil: Anyway…. Please review and let wolf know what you think!

Wolf: I also need more crack video's to look up to continue. If anyone can think of a good video please tell me. Mkbye!


	4. Nero: Torture and fantasy

**Yes this is a short chapter but everytime I tried to write it my computer froze and I lost everything. It was gonna be a short chapter anyway. Also it had to be posted on a Friday for my amusement.**

**Dante: Your amusement along with this chapter was torture.**

**Lady: Don't most people think it's torture anyway?**

**Nero: Yes that's why Wolf made this chapter. Even though it's old now and not popular anymore it's still torture.**

**Dante: Who cares? It was horrible!**

**Wolf: I could always do it again if you want Dante.**

**Dante: No!**

**Nero Lady and Trish: DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!**

**Dante: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *runs away***

**Sparda: Cant you stop doing that to him?**

**Wolf: Fine then. Eva get the muffins! (refur to the muffin chapter)**

**Sparda: NOOOOO! *runs away***

**Wolf: Anyway story start.**

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"Go away old man." I said to a begging Dante.

"Come on kid I said I was sorry." said Dante.

"Go away." I said getting up to walk into the kitchen. Dante trailed close behind me.

"Come on kid. Forgive me please?" asked Dante.

"No." I said.

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"Dante-"

"Please?"

"Dante."

"Please?"

"Dante I swear-"

"Please?"

"Stop it."

"Please?"

"Dante stop-"

"Please?"

"Dante I'm warning you-"

"Please?"

"Will you stop?"

"Please?"

"Dante!"

"Please?"

"Old man-"

"Please?"

"Dante!"

"Please?"

"Dante!"

"Please?" SMACK! I hit Dante over the head with a chair that I had magically been able to get while he was begging. He was old cold and had a small trickle of blood coming from his temple.

Brushing aside the broken chair peices I picked up Dante and carried him to the couch. He was a lot heavier then I thought he would be. I set him down on the couch and walked back to the kitchen to clean up the broken chair peices. I threw them away and got a strawberry soda from Dante's fridge. The old man's fridge looked like Candyland. Nothing but sweets starwberry sundaes, pizza and sugar. Even the inside was painted pink, yellow, and light shades of blue and green.

I leaned against the fridge and stared at Dante. He was still out. I was thinking about what I could do to him. He's been doing this for days and it was getting annoying. I couldn't think of a single thing. I looked around the room to get an idea. His devil arms? I could sell them but he would find a way to get them back. His fridge? I could change the food in there and paint the inside a different color but he would just change it back. His drums? I could destroy them knowing he cant afford to replace them. Then again he could just go to a store and steal a new set.

A cat. Dante always said he hated them. A little kitten would be nice but a rabid cat would be better. I could picture it now. (Nero's fantasy.)

* * *

_Dante was sleeping on the couch. I carefully and quitely walked down the steps. In one hand I held a webcam and a bottle. In the other I held a cat carrier. Inside was a black cat. I had gotten the cat from a shelter. The cat had rabbies and was about to get it's shots when I got him. He was also pretty rabid and I had to be careful with him. I'm only renting the cat for about a hour and I had about 20 minutes till he had to be returned._

_I carefuly set the carier down. Dante was still asleep. I took the little bottle and opened it. I didnt know exactly what it was or what was in it. I found it on the internet. Whatever it was made cats go crazy and attack anything with the scent on it. I'm not sure why it made them go crazy or why this stuff had no name. It didn't matter to me. It was just funny._

_I walked to the kitchen and looked under the sink. Finding what I was looking for I quitely walked back to the couch where the older hunter was. Pulling out a pair of yellow gloves I carefully opened the bottle. If this stuff made cats as rabid as it says I didn't want to take chances. The cat started to hiss. I think he started to smell whatever this stuff was. I carefully set the bottle down as the cat hissed louder. The website said this could happen so I thought ahead. I pulled out a pair of earplugs from my pocket. Now the hard part would be getting them in Dante's ears. Carefully leaning over the older hunter, I tilted his head and put one in. He stopped snoring for a moment but soon continued. I lifted his head up a bit and put in the other ear plug. That was easier then I thought._

_There wasnt much time left. I had a laptop sitting on the table already ready to go. It was now or never. I took a rag out from my pocket and poured some of the bottle's clear contents onto it. I lightly dabbed the rag on Dante's face, forehead and chin. Gently lift his shirt and sleaves I dabbed some more on his arms, stomach and chest. There was about half of the bottle left. My next move would be tricky. I had to do it without waking the older hunter. I slowly unzipped the older hunters pants. I carefully pulled down Dante's pants and boxers to his ankles._

_This was going to be extremely risky if he woke up. I took the bottle and gently sprinkled some over his hips, thighs and croch. I picked up the rag and spread it around. Dante had stopped snoring for a bit making me freeze. He continued to snore after a few minutes. I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding and quickly continued. I sprinkled the rest on his legs and rubbed it in with the rag. When I finished i pulled his pants up stopping at his croch. An idea formed into my head. It would be cruel but worth it. I squezzed some of the liquid left on the rag onto his croch. He stopped snoring which was a bad sign. I would have about two minutes before he would wake up._

_I pulled down his pants and zipped them up as quickly as I could. I quickly dabbed the older hunter's hair and face one more time. As for the rest of the liquid on the rag I squezzed it out on his clothes and rubbed it in. Reaching over I pulled out the ear plugs from his ears. Taking the bottle, rag, and ear plugs over to the trash can I threw them away. I took off the gloves and threw them away too. I hid the webcam among his devvil arms facing toward him. I had a few portable video cam's hidden to record at a different angles. I hid the laptop in the kitchen as the older hunter stirred._

_Picking up the cat carrier I set in in the kitchen. I opened the little door and the cat practally ran out yowling. Dante had woken with a start at the sound of the cat._

_"What the-" he started to say. The rest was cut off as the cat jumped onto his face and began to claw at him. Dante screamed and tried to pry the rabid rabbied the cat off his face. Before he could try the cat let go of his face and attacked where the smell of the liquid was strongest._

_The cat began to claw and bite at his croch. Dante screamed some more and ran around in hopes the cat would let go. The cat held on and continued to bite and scratch. To my amesment the cat actully **ripped **through his** pants **and began to scratch and claw harder. The sudden new pain made Dante grab the cat and throw it at the couch. He got on his knees and held his croch where the cat had clawed him. It didn't last long before the cat came back for more. This time he grabbed onto Dante's leg._

_Dante freaked out again and tried to pry him off. I watched from behind the counter in the kitchen. My laptop showed what Dante was doing from four different angles. Containing my laughter was getting harder and harder by the second. As I watched I started to hear some more meowing. The sound was coming from outside. Careful not to be seen I crawled over to the door and opened it. In a flash about seven more cats came busting into the office. All seven latched themselves onto Dante in different spots. I was about to close the door when five more came running through the door. I took a quick look outside to see ten more about to come inside. There was already 12 latched onto Dante at the moment. I only let about three more run inside before I shut the door._

_There were now 15 cats attacking the older hunter. Four of the cats were attacking his croch. Four were attacking his arms with two on each arm. Four more were doing ths same for his legs. As for the other three, one was attacking his face and the other two were on his chest and stomach. He ran around trying to get all of the cats off but only m ade them angry. He looked like a giant furball running around. It was too hilarious._

* * *

I fell over crying and laughing at the thought of actully doing that to Dante. It would be worth it. After a few minutes I managed to stop laughing. I looked over at Dante to see him still unconsious. I didn't know how I was going to get back at him. I looked around the room some more to get more idea's. All that was left was my laptop sitting on the counter. I needed to do something that would really hurt him. I looked around the room some more and my eyes landed on the calender. It read Friday, July 8.

An idea suddenly popped into my head. It would be perfect. taking one last look at Dante, I went upstairs to his room. If I was going to do this I would need chains, weights, my headphones, and my laptop.

* * *

I woke up with a major headace. I couldn't believe the kid hit me over the head with a chair! When did he even get the chair? I tried to stand but my arms and legs refused to move. At this I stopped and took in my surroundings. I was chained to a chair. The chains connected to some weights on the floor. My body felt so still I couldn't move. I haven't felt this way since Nevan tried to suduce me in the middle of our fight. In front of me was my desk with Nero's laptop sitting on top. His headphones were sitting next to it.

"Glad to see your awake." said Nero. He stepped out from the kitchen and walked toward me. He had a weird almost evil look on his face.

"Kid, what's going on?" I asked.

"Revenge for annoying me." he said smirking.

"Really kid?" I said.

"Yes really." Nero said. I didn't like where this was going.

Not taking his eyes off of me he walked over to the laptop. He opened it up and set up a video. Nero picked up his headphones and set them over my ears.

"Have fun." he said taking a few steps back. He pressed play and walked over towards the door.

"Wait what is this kid?" I asked.

"Torture." he said as he left the office. I was alone with the laptop and this horrible video that began to play.

* * *

"What happened here?" I asked as I and the other's entered Devil May Cary. We came in to see Dante chained to a chair and wearing Nero's headphones. His eyes were rolled to the back of his head and a large amount of foam was coming from his mouth. Eva ran over to Dante and untied him. She went into a kitchen to get a wet towel to wipe away the foam on his mouth. Lady walked over to Dante and stole the money from his wallet. Trish and Vergil didn't do anything but stare at Nero who was currently laughing.

"Nero do you know what's going on?" I asked while cleaning my monicle.

"Yes Sparda. It's called revenge." he said as he walked over to Dante.

"Revenge for what?" asked Vergil.

"For annoying me" he said as he took his headphones off of my youngest son's head.

"What did you do to him excatly?" asked Eva. She had finished wiping his face and returned to the kitchen.

"All I did was-" he was cut off as Dante suddenly rammed into him. He tied up Nero with the chains and opened his laptop.

"PAYBACK IS A BITCH!" yelled Dante as he ran towards the doors of Devil May Cry. He closed the doors behind him as he laft. From the other side of the door it sounded like a metal pipe being bent and tied around the door handles.

Music began to play from the laptop. A girl that looked about 13 or 14 showing up on the screen.

_7am waking up in the mornin'_

_Gotta be fresh gotta get downstairs_

_Gotta get my bowl my bowl of cereal_

_Seein' everything, the time is goin'_

_Tickin' on and on, everybody's rushin'_

_Gotta get down to the bus stop_

_Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends_

_Kickin' in the front seat_

_Sittin' in the back seat_

_Gotta make my mind up_

_Which seat can I take?_

_It's Friday, Friday_

_Gotta get down on Friday_

_Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend_

_Friday, Friday_

_Gettin' down on Friday_

_Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend_

_Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)_

_Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)_

_Fun, fun, fun, fun_

_Lookin' forward to the weekend_

* * *

After the whole incident back at Devil May Cry, I decided to get back at Dante again. Well we all sort of did after we recovered from the song. Everyone except Eva and Sparda did their own thing. I embraced my fantasy and got the cat and that weird liquid that made cats go crazy. It lasted about four hours. When the cats finially stopped I returned the cat to the shelter. All the starys left and went back to wherever they came from.

Dante had become a giant bloody mess. When the others came by again I showed them the video. They couldn't contain their laughter. Lady stole it and put it on Youtube. It got really popular. After I apologized to Dante I ended up getting back together with him. However now I might need something to get him to give me a break. It's like he's trying to cripple me or something.

* * *

**Well that's it. Didn't end too well but I enjoyed it. I mostly enjoyed writing Nero's fantasy.**

**Nero: It was awsome!**

**Lady: Epic!**

**Dante: It was not!**

**Vergil: Come now brother. Even I found that amusing.**

**Wolf: Anyway... Next chapter will be about the grat SPARTA! I mean SPARDA!**

**Sparda: Please dont let it be as freaky as the muffin thing.**

**Eva: Please let it be like the muffin thing.**

**Sparda: No! *runs away***

**Wolf: Next chapter will be posted... whenever.**


	5. Dante: This Is Akward!

**Like I said this is about Sparda. Starts off with Dante. Enjoy!**

* * *

I was sitting at my desk with a magazine covering my face. My feet were kicked up and I was leaning back in my chair. I was completely bored. There havent been any calls in about a week and there wouldn't be any until two weeks from now. My old man said there was some time of demon holiday that last about three weeks so I shouldn't expect anything. Nero's still being stubborn and hasn't been by since the cat incident. It took me over a month to get the scent off. Sometimes cats still follow me around but it's nothing too bad.

Until my old man found the rag Nero used on me. Once the cats were gone he picked it up and tried to take it outside to dispose of it. The cats turned around and charged after him. He then took the rag and threw it on my face. The cats attacked me _again_ and my face was sore for about a week. I cant help but flinch when I see a cat. That day gave me nightmares.

Now I was thinking of some way to annoy him for causing me more pain. I had nothing. I took the magizine off my face and began flipping through the pages until on word caught my eye. It was spelled awefully close to Sparda. It was a add for a movie and was saposed to be hilarious. I figured it would be worth it. Maybe I would get a idea. Grabbing my coat and what little money I had I left the shop on the way to the movies. If this movie was as good as it says in the review I should get a good idea on how to get back at the old man.

* * *

I had a bad feeling. Dante left to go to the movies hours ago ut hasnt come back. I know demons would most likely not attack. My youngest son could take care of himself but something was off. I sent Vergil to go find him and Eva left to go shopping with Lady and Trish. I know he was still upset about the whole cat thing but I didn't think he would be so angry he wouldn't come home. I couldn't just stand here and wait. Grabbing my sword Force Edge **(I think that's how it is regularly. Sparda is the devil version.) **I got my coat and was about to walk out the door.

I stopped. I realized the house was pretty much empty. It's rarely ever empty. There's always loud music or yelling. I had the whole house to myself. What would be the point of bringing them back here? I could finially relax for once. This was going to be fun...

* * *

"You cant stop me Vergil!" I yelled over my shoulder.

"Yes I can!" he yelled back "This is stupid!"

I had figured out how I was going to get my revenge. It was fullproof. All I had to do now was avoid Vergil so he couldn't stop me. He figured out what I was going to do (that bastard!) and planned to stop me.

"You cant get away Dante!" he yelled.

I looked over my shoulder to see him gaining on me. I was right down the street from the shop. If I stopped I would never make it.

100 ft.

"Dante!" yelled Vergil.

90 ft.

He was gaining on me.

80 ft.

I was running out of stamina.

70 ft.

"I'm not going to let you do this!" he yelled.

60 ft.

"You can't stop me!" I yelled back at him.

50 ft.

"Stop running you bastard!"he yelled.

40 ft.

"Bite me you ass!" I yelled.

30 ft.

I began slowing down, running out of energy.

20 ft.

Almost there.

10 ft.

I made it. I had to make a sharp turn and avoid falling so I could run up the few steps. At that moment Vergil caught up to me and tackled me. He held me down while I stuggled benieth him.

"Let go Vergil!" I yelled still trying to pull away.

"No!" he yelled. "I am not letting you do this!"

We stuggled for a few more seconds before the sound of music came to my ears. I stopped struggling to listen. Vergil must have realized I relaxed because he stopped trying to fight me. He opend his mouth to say something before I put a finger to my lips. He stayed quite and then heard the music himself. He got off of my and pointed upstairs. The two of us carefully began to walk upstairs. One of the rooms was open. It was our old man's room. As we got to the door we slowly eased the door open. The music poured out through the door.

"Oh. My. God." I whispered.

I did not expect what I was seeing. The Legendary Dark Knight Sparda, was in his room, _dancing_. But he wasn't just dancing, not just dancing at all. He was wearing Trish's old costume, the costume she wore back in Fortuna as Gloria. He combed his hair down and was wearing makeup on his face. His face was pretty much just wearing black and blue eyeshadow and eyeliner. It didn't match the costume at all. He also wore feather earrings in both ears. The music was coming from a radio on his nightstand. He didn't notice Vergil and I at all. The music continued to play, and he continued to sing and dance.

_You're callin' me more than ever,_

_Now that we're done_

_Two keys back to my place,_

_We were having no fun_

_But you're not ok,_

_Tellin' me you miss my face_

_I remember when you would say,_

_You hate my ways_

_I said I'm not coming back, it's it_

_You fooled me once but you_

_Can't have that ego turning_

_Just too bad for you,_

_That when you had me_

_Didn't know what to do,_

_Games over you lose_

It was a song we didn't expect to see him sing or dance to. I couldnt help but snicker, and neither could Vergil. An idea formed into my head. I quitely went down the hall to get Nero's laptop and webcam. Vergil didn't move from his position by the door. He was still trying to hold in his laughter. The old man continued to sing and dance as I started up the laptop.

_Cause you had a good girl, good girl, girl_

_That's a keeper, k-k-k-k-keeper_

_You had a good girl, good girl but_

_Didn't know how to treat her, t-t-t-t-treat her (treat her)_

_So silly boy get out my face (my face)_

_How do you like the way regret taste?_

_So silly boy get out my hair (out my hair)_

_No, I don't want you no more (get outta here)_

_Silly boy (silly boy)_

_Why you acting silly boy?_

_Silly boy boy (boy boy)_

_Acting acting silly boy?_

This was too good a moment to pass up. Once the laptop had finished starting up, I connected the webcam and started recording. The first song he was dancing to ended, and another started.

_I know a place,_

_Where the grass is really greener _

_Warm, wet and wild, _

_There must be somethin' in the water _

_Sippin' gin and juice_

_Layin' underneath the palm trees (Undone) _

_The boys,_

_Break their necks _

_Try'na creep a little sneak peek (At us) _

_You could travel the world _

_But nothing comes close _

_To the Golden Coast _

_Once you party with us _

_You'll be falling in love _

_Oooooh oh oooooh_

This was going to be so good... I couldn't wait for mom and the others to see this.

_California girls _

_We're unforgettable _

_Daisy Dukes _

_Bikinis on top _

_Sun-kissed skin _

_So hot _

_We'll melt your Popsicle _

_Oooooh oh oooooh _

_California girls _

_We're undeniable _

_Fine, fresh, fierce _

_We got it on lock _

_Westcoast represent _

_Now put your hands up _

_Oooooh oh oooooh_

This is so going on YouTube.

* * *

"So what were you planning to do to him?" asked Vergil.

"I was going to make him listen to 'This Is Sparta!' and have him watch 'Meet the Spartains'. But this is just as good." I said. I finished uploading the video to Youtube and shut down the laptop. This turned out to be a great day.

* * *

**And I am now done with this story. If you really liked it leave a review or message me and I'll add a bonus chapter. First song is Silly Boy- Lady Gaga. Second song is California Girls- Katy Perry.**

**Sparda: Mhhh! Mmmhh!**

**Wolf: Just for the record I tied up Sparda.**

**Dante: Mummp!**

**Wolf: And Dante...**

**Vergil: Mummph!**

**Wolf: And Vergil...**

**Nero: Serves them right. Though I'm pissed that I'm not in this chapter.**

**Wolf: Get over it. Goodnight everyone.**

**Nero: Review so I can be in the bonus chapter!**

**Wolf: I dont even know if I'm going to write a bonus chapter yet.**

**Nero: Well you should write one and put me in it.**

**Wolf: I decide what happened here and I say goodnight.**

**Nero: But-**

**Wolf: _I SAID GOODNIGHT!_**


End file.
